Et Si Tu N'existais Pas
by Leahelisabeth
Summary: What happens to one side of a coin when the other is destroyed? Arthur is gone and Merlin must find a reason to carry on. Set after 5x13. Merlin Whump. Warning for self-harm and attempted suicide.


This is my first excursion into the Merlin fandom. I hear that fans of Merlin review more than fans of Supernatural and would very much like to conduct a study (in the interest of science, of course.)

I do not own Merlin or anything related to it but I sure wish I did.

~o()o~

The sky was overcast. Merlin shivered as he sat on the shore. He was soaked through but he wasn't sure if it was because it had been raining or from when he had tripped in the water while dragging the boat up onto the beach. He didn't care really; Arthur was colder now than he had ever been. The last light of the fire had gone out hours ago and the ashes of the boat that carried his best friend on his final journey had long sunk beneath the still waters of Avalon.

The Sun never broke through the clouds before it set and Merlin sat and watched as the sky darkened to black. It was true night before he pulled himself to his feet, body aching, and began his weary trek to Camelot. There was a Queen who would need comfort and guidance and Knights who would want to hear of their beloved King's final moments. But there was no royal prat throwing goblets, no Once and Future King to protect, no best friend to stand by.

Camelot was a long way off but Merlin felt it was still far too close. He couldn't bear to tell everyone he cared about that he had failed.

He hoped to slip in unnoticed but they must have seen him coming from afar. Camelot was silent; her people lined the streets and watched him pass. When he reached the castle, it was nearly his undoing. Gwen stood there before the gates, barely holding onto her composure. He could see the desire to run written on her face but she stood strong. Camelot needed her strength now more than ever. She was flanked by Leon and Percival. There was relief on their faces to see him safe but also sorrow that he had returned alone.

Merlin climbed the stairs, his footsteps echoing in the courtyard, and dropped to his knees before Gwen.

"My Queen," he began, but he had to quit when his voice cracked. In the end, he simply bowed his head before her and held out the one thing of Arthur's that hadn't been burnt with him, the royal seal of Camelot.

Gwen sobbed once before choking it back. "Thank you, Merlin. As always, you have served the crown faithfully and well."

Merlin nodded, unable to meet her eyes. He stood, head still bowed, "I'm sorry..." he whispered. He turned to go but swayed on his feet. Percival was beside him when his knees buckled. Silently, he carried him through the halls to Gaius's chamber.

Merlin thinks he remembers asking Percival about Gwaine. At the strong knight's simple head shake, Merlin discovered that perhaps he did still have more tears to shed.

Gaius tended to Merlin's scrapes and bruises before leaving him to sleep. He curled up on his side and tried not to remember the moment when Arthur's life left him. His eyes were still wide and staring when the light of dawn crept through his window. He watched the sun rise. Normally, the castle would be noisy with servants preparing for the day but the same silence lay in a thick blanket over everyone inside.

Percival came to fetch him at noon with a single knock and a gesture and they did not speak as they walked to the royal chambers.

Merlin wasn't sure what he had expected, stony anger or perhaps execution, but it wasn't a sudden armful of weeping Guinevere.

He held her while she cried.

"I'm sorry," she said after a while. "I can't seem to stop."

"It's fine," Merlin said softly. "I can't either."

Gwen pushed herself back to look up and see the tear tracks drying on his cheeks. "I wanted to say thank you."

"For what?" Merlin asked bitterly. "I didn't bring him home."

"For everything you did do. He wasn't alone at the end. And I know you; I know you would have done everything possible to save him. I know it's only thanks to you that we had so many years with him. And also, I want to thank you for what you did for Camelot. Because of you, our kingdom wasn't overrun by Saxons. You may not have saved Arthur's life but too have made it possible for us to have the kingdom he dreamed of."

Merlin looked at her, his face pale. "You know?"

"I guessed. And Gaius had many stories with which to distract me while we waited for your return. I am grieved that it took us so long to recognize it but you are the most heroic man in Camelot," she pulled him over to the table and forced him to sit. "And now that my husband is...dead, I need to know what you intend to do next."

"I don't know," Merlin replied hollowly. "Before I met Arthur, I had no purpose, no reason for my magic, and now that he is gone, I have no meaning."

Gwen took his hand in hers and spoke gently. "That isn't true. You were the person closest to Arthur, closer than even me. You know his vision for Camelot. You can help me bring it to pass. We can bring magic back to the land."

Merlin stared at her, almost unable to believe his ears. He simply nodded, hoping that this purpose would be able to fill the hole.

He was almost too busy to think over the next few days. To be honest, he preferred it that way. Even the briefest moments had him feeling like a great hole was gaping open inside of him. He did not cry again, not when Arthur's spare cloak was burned on the fire, not when Gwen was named sole monarch of Camelot, not during the feast to celebrate Arthur's life and mourn his passing, and not when he was alone.

Two weeks after Arthur's death, Gwen lifted the ban on magic. She stood before the people, robed in red and almost unbearably regal. Merlin stood at her right.

"People of Camelot," she proclaimed. "We are a great country. We had a great king, a king who loved us and one we loved deeply in return. As his queen, I wish to honor his last wishes. As you all know, we did not win the battle against the Saxons alone. We had magical help. You have heard of the great Emrys who called down lightning from the sky and scattered our enemies. The old laws of Camelot would require that man be put to death but Arthur would have Camelot honor her allies. We owe our lives and our freedom to none other than the man, Merlin. He has been here for many years working to save Camelot from her enemies using his magic, even though it would mean certain death if he were caught. To honor his sacrifice and bravery, I declare that the use of magic is no longer a crime. Magic that is used to commit a crime will still be punished in accordance with the laws of Camelot but no longer will we persecute those who use it for good. King Arthur is dead and his loss has cast a shadow on this happy land but we will build the Camelot he dreamed of and perhaps soon, the sun will shine on us again."

Merlin staggered as if he had been relieved of a heavy burden. It was over. His destiny had been fulfilled. Magic had returned and his job was done.

There was a commotion at the front of the crowd. "Now we see your true colors, witch. Did you use your magic on the king so he would crown you, a filthy commoner?"

Merlin did not recognize the man who spoke but he recognized the crossbow in his dirty hands. He had time. He could have pushed Gwen out of the way or preformed a simple spell to divert the arrow from its target but instead he stepped in front of his queen and took the bolt straight in his chest.

It knocked him over. He landed on Gwen so the impact didn't even hurt. He was stuck in a hazy world with no sound or color. He was numb. He was confused for a moment before he realized he had slowed time and had not yet released it to follow its course.

He let go of the magic and the world erupted into chaos. Percival and Leon had wrestled the man with the crossbow to the ground. Thankfully he appeared to be alone. Gwen was screaming his name, his head cradled in her lap. His hand rose to touch her cheek and he sucked in a breath to tell her everything was fine but it seemed as if someone had cracked open his ribcage and poured liquid fire in to incinerate his hearts and lungs. He did not have the breath to cry out or the strength to do more than look up into her face. He wished he could say sorry and goodbye but time was slipping away with every drop of red staining her dress. Black dots filled his vision and he could feel his heartbeat slowing. He closed his eyes and smiled softly knowing that the next face he would see would be Arthur's.

It wasn't. His head pounded and his mouth was dry and the face floating above him was rather too old and wrinkled to belong to Arthur.

"Oh thank goodness," Gaius said. "I was so worried about you, my boy."

Merlin closed his eyes again, tears dripping onto his pillow. "You shouldn't have saved me, Gaius. It was time for me to go. Arthur is waiting."

"I didn't save you. Your magic did. All I had to do was remove the bolt. The wound closed over nearly instantly."

Merlin pushed himself up. He was tired and thirsty but there was not even a twinge of pain from the arrow that had pierced him. He opened his shirt to look abd there wasn't even a scar to show where it had gone in. He looked at Gaius in horror before launching himself at the table where Gaius had been cutting herbs. He snatched the knife and attacked his forearms, slicing into them without mercy, only to see the wounds seal up as soon as the knife left his skin.

"Merlin! Stop!" Gaius shouted and forcibly took the knife away from him.

Merlin collapsed to the ground. "No," he whispered.

"Merlin, what has happened to you?" Gaius wept.

"I'm Emrys," Merlin replied. "I'm Emrys and I'm immortal. Arthur is dead and I can never die."

Gaius tried to pick him up off the floor but Merlin pushed him away. He stood up alone and wobbled for a moment before he pushed past his mentor and ran out of the door.

He didn't know where he was running to until he arrived, hours later, on the green shores of Avalon. Night was falling but this time, he didn't bother to sit and watch the water. He plunged in and swam to where he had last seen Arthur. He held his head under water and breathed deep but the magic expelled the water from his lungs. At last he drifted, exhausted, lying on his back, sobbing, his tears adding salt to the fresh water.

Fingers brushed through his wet hair. The warmth of a body clung to him and lips brushed his jaw, his cheekbones, his ears. He opened his eyes and looked over to see her, Freya, his first and only love. He couldn't speak.

"Shh, Merlin. It's alright."

"No, it's not. Things will never be alright again. Not as long as Arthur has gone where I cannot follow."

Freya kissed his lips and drew him beneath the water. There was a beautiful light. It surrounded them and Merlin felt the ache in his heart lessen.

When the light faded, he was in what looked like Arthur's chambers.

"Honestly, Merlin. If I'd known you were going to be such a girl about this..." a familiar voice came from behind him.

"ARTHUR!" Merlin didn't even give him time to finish before he had latched onto his friend. "You're alive!"

Arthur awkwardly patted Merlin on the back. "No, sorry. I am gone. This is Avalon actually. I'm...waiting here for now."

"Waiting? For what?" Merlin asked hoarsely.

Arthur laughed nervously. "For the right time."

"When is that?"

"You need to stop asking questions. You don't need to know everything that will happen before it happens," Arthur held Merlin at arms length. He looked concerned. Merlin could only remember seeing this look directed at him on a handful of occasions, mostly when he was frozen by the Dorocha or injured with the mace in the Valley of the Fallen Kings.

"Can I wait with you," Merlin asked.

"Your laziness never ceases to amaze me, Merlin. Just because your king isn't there doesn't give you an excuse to slack off," Arthur cuffed him lightly on the arm.

"Right, because washing your clothes and polishing your armor and making your food are such necessary tasks when you're no longer corporeal," Merlin pouted.

"Again with the big words. I suppose you know what that one means too?"

"Insubstantial, ephemeral."

"Well, not really the second one," Arthur rolled his eyes.

"But it's true. We should have had so many years more. I have so much time left," Merlin trailed off.

"Stop crying, Merlin. Seriously, because then I'll start crying and then I'll have to ask your pretty little girlfriend to find us some dresses."

Merlin smiled a little in spite of himself then sobered up again. "But seriously, Arthur, Kilgharrah told me we were two halves to the same coin. If you do not exist, tell me why I exist."

"Destiny looks a lot different from the other side of the veil. I understand a lot of things that I never did before. I still exist, Merlin. And I am coming back. You take the longer and harder road but our paths will cross again and when I was talking about going back to Camelot and doing your job, I wasn't talking about your chores. I meant your other job. Gwen is with child. She doesn't know yet. It was probably the night before the battle. I am trusting you with a very important job. You are the one man wise enough to advise my queen as magic returns to Camelot and there would be no one better to protect my child." Arthur pulled Merlin back in for a hug. "Please, don't be a dollop-head."

Merlin let out a sound halfway between a laugh and a sob and crushed his face into Arthur's shoulder. "That's still my word."

"I'm dead; you can't let me have your word?"

Merlin's laugh was closer to real that time. "I'm going to miss you."

"Of course you are. You had better. You will never again have a master as great as me."

"I'll certainly never have one that is this much of a prat," Merlin smirked, voluntarily stepping back out of the hug.

Arthur laughed. "Tell my Gwen I will love her till the world ends and even after and that I like the name Amhar for our son. And don't forget, what with not having a country to run, I'll have lots of time to check up on you so I know what's going on when I come back."

"Make sure you do a little more than watch. You don't want to get fat."

"The dead don't get fat, idiot," Arthur shoved him lightly.

"I'm sure you'll manage it," Merlin retorted.

Arthur laughed, a look of incredulous delight on his face. "It's time for you to go. And I just want you to know before Freya drags you out of here that you are my brother and you are my friend and there is no other man I would have rather had at my side all those years. I will see you again."

Freya grasped Merlin's hand and pulled him toward her. She kissed him softly. His eyes closed and he barely noticed the light changing until he broke the surface of the water and gasped in the clear night air. He could still taste sweetness on his lips and his arms still remembered the roughness of chainmail and the strength of Arthur's arms holding him close. He cried again as he swam to shore but the tears no longer fell from his empty heart but from his healing soul.

He returned to Camelot and rejoiced in the birth of Arthur's heir. Amhar was an energetic boy with golden hair and a smile that made Merlin's heart ache with its familiarity. He watched over the throne of Camelot until progress demanded he take a back seat. He traveled then. He was young and then old and then young again. He studied at great universities and he changed the course of wars but no matter how far he traveled he always returned to Avalon, to cool waters and bittersweet memories, and he waited for his Once and Future King.

END


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